I am standing outside smoking a Marlboro 100. I like them cause they last longer. Unlike my friendships or relationships. I am living at my buddies apartment, he once again is passed out. I use to be able to smoke as much as him and pass out too. I would even eat. But this morning is different. I don’t want to sleep. I have way to much on my mind. I am thinking about a person who I am crazy attracted to. That’s the rub. I am sexually attracted. I have yet to see their depth. I won’t say their name, because this planet is much to small for people like me; I would hate to come off as a clingy weirdo. But I enjoy the sex. That is when I am sober enough to get an errection. I like the intimacy. It reminds me of the times I had a consistent girl in my bed. Although she was a sloppy drunk whore, she made my bed feel complete. Then again it was never really complete. We fought. She threw vacuum cleaners at my head. I threw her comforter and makeup into the pool. Those were the erotic nights that my sick my misses. Anyway, about this new person. Their skin is beautifully tanned. The smile on their face almost makes me feel infinite again. I live a double life with them. I am good at bidding my addictions. I bathe. I brush my teeth and thanks to my family I still dress well. I guess I like playing pretend…for now anyways. Because pretending is a lot better then looking in the mirror and seeing who I truly am.