It is now 2:18 p.m. and I having been trying to leave the apartment and head to my moms. I hate going to my moms. Not because I don’t love her, but because I hate the dissapointment that I have become. She is getting old and I can see the wrinkles on her face that have come much to soon, and they are mostly due to me. I have so much shame when I see her loving eyes. I never wanted to break her heart. It was hard enough for her when Dad died. She is so much stronger than me. I would have killed me if I was her. I would have dissowned me. Yet, she has that unconditional love and it is times like this that I don’t feel worthy of it. She will tell me today that the pastor had a good service and that she is always praying for me. That God has grace on my life. I believe that, because I should be dead by now. Aww, it is like a chore to get up and drive over there. She is only five minutes away … it is in the apartment with the drugs is were I would rather stay.